Mature

I can't say how much more I have mature but I know I've gain that much to realize what I am doing and what I have to do.

So the previous post was some real venting but I would like to take a step back because I felt a bit of guilt. In my last post, I sound like I was blaming my parents especially my father for the life I am living now. But recently I have realize that they are doing this for my brother and I. They just did it the wrong way and that doesn't lessen their love for us. I was actually thinking that I was proud of them because they thought of us before them. I mean com'n which parent doesn't put their child before them ? But when my father told me that the main reason why we came over here was because of my brother's asthma, my heart sunk and my disappointment was elevated. It's true I guess, that Asian parents prefer a son rather than a daughter. But then again, they would do the same thing for me if I was the one with a sickness. I can only go back to when I was little and sick. I remember it was in the middle of the night and I was in pain but couldn't sleep but my dad cradle me in his arms until I would fall asleep. I always use that to relieve myself whenever I feel angry. I know my dad and mom and doing all they can to provide the fam. with a living expense and whenever I see their faces, it just pains me but I really can't express it to them because well that how I am and I've been used to it ( not expressing my care for them). Which I know I should change but I can't. Maybe in the future. It doesn't lessen my love for them either. But I'll try working on it, really, I will. I'm going to be fucking 21 already and I need to show them that i can do well on my own and I really want them to be in retirement, living the rest of their life in paradise.

This past week have been really hectic because I've come to find out my situation has no hope. So I went to an attorney and well he just told me to continue my education and find out the info from the london univ. I am interested in and see him in May again. This leads to my main point of my post. My dad don't like the idea of me going off to another country all by myself and well if I go to london then there is no point in them staying in NY and I don't want them to relocate and start the same situation all over again just this time I'll probably be better off. And I don't want them to stay in NY and work hard because my brother is just not doing his best in school (not even a C avg.) so their hopes in him for the future is very dim and it will be only ME supporting them.

Today I finally got my certificate from school for being on the president's list ( I got a 4.0 gpa ) and my dad finally recognize the fact that I got all A's. He goes and asked me what I want as a reward from him. He asked if I want an I-pod? I-phone? because I don't have one due to the fact of my 10% hearing loss I tend to stay away from listening to them and don't ever want to go clubbing again. Sad, I know. When he asked, i felt bad because I was expecting to be happy, though I was kind of satisfied b/c he finally wanted to spoiled me for once, but I was sad because I felt bad, I had to do this just to get a reward from him but my brother doesn't need to do much to get his jackets, his mp3 and whatnot. It hit me when he said why all boys in the Yu family are so disgrateful and why only the females are doing the better. The boys (my cousins and brother) were well off when they were little but as they grow older, it gets worst and they just end up the total opposite. I never want my father's pride to be hurt. Never. and I don't want them to spend another dime on me with the exception of college tuition. I even now rather walk to work so my mom can use the metro and not have to walk home so late at night.

I simply told him, I don't want anything. I have already rewarded myself with a bunch of shopping. He goes it better be useful. I was considering asking him in getting the asus pc eee 900HA so portable and just what I need to kill time during my gap in school! But I stop. Then again why not use that $300 for some expenses in london ?! yea I have to think smart and save.

Today I had to use the metro to give my friend something and it was my fault for not telling him so he came out of the station and well I had to go in and wait for him. He came and I'm waiting and hes waiting and I feel that he feels I am angry and frustrated and is in a rush. Just looking at him standing there waiting with that face and trying to see if he can spot a friend who could swipe him in make me really sad. thinking and typing this makes me want to tear. I realize how old he has gotten and I shouldn't let him feel ashamed. I really don't want them to feel guilty and sad because of the life their children are in. Sigh, again I guess I should really start working on expressing my feelings and how happy I am. THIS REALLY FRUSTRATE ME! ALL I WANT IS FOR US TO BE HAPPY.

I love my parents and I felt bad for blaming them in my last post. I will never again do that.

Gosh, I really am not the type to stay the way I feel. I always end up feeling guilty. This goes even towards my friends and work life, I just can't be the unhappy with people, I always want everyone around me to feel happy because then I don't feel the burden and then will I only feel comfortable and truly happy because well in the end nothing is bothering me nor do I have to feel guilty or pity.